This is another post that felt slightly embarrassing to share with you- so I added a piece that makes it SUPER embarrassing to share with you. You’re welcome.
The black and white of it is: I’ve been settling in my life– especially in my relationships. And I’ve been settling because I didn’t think I could have what I want.
Honestly, when I really look deeply it’s not that I don’t think I deserve what I want- I really do. I think I’m kind of amazing. I think I’m a fairly good mama. I think I’m getting to be sort of awesome at the work I do. And I think that I make a really loving, supportive partner.
So it’s not that I think I don’t deserve what I want- it just feels like my old stories and experiences are all about past relationships in which I was with people who couldn’t possibly give me what I want- and I stayed. I settled. I swallowed my disappointment, my broken heart, my sadness, my loneliness.
And I spent all this time and energy and many tears and anxious, nausea-filled and sleepless nights leaving a relationship with a man whom I love to the end of the earth, because the relationship could just not possibly work.
And then, two months later choose a situation which was almost IDENTICAL to the issues, problems, and disappointments in the old relationship. WTF?!?!?!
(Ever done something like that?)
And the correlation in my business (because there’s ALWAYS a correlation in my business) was that I was accepting a client who was pushing all boundaries and reneging on her contract with me. Again, out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to do without the couple of thousand dollars she was paying (which isn’t true), I kept compromising myself for her again, and again, and again.
And this past week, after an epiphany which I detail in my current newsletter (For more work that you can do yourself around settling, check out and subscribe to my newsletter HERE.) I broke her contract and let her go. (PS. without the thousand-plus dollars she was supposed to pay me last month, it was still my highest earning month EVER!)
And two months into the new compromising relationship, that ended too. And I’m left, again, with a quiet house. Meals for one (Bella won’t eat a lot of the yummy food I love ). Silent evenings. Just me in bed. Doing everything that needs to be done around the house by myself- and learning to delegate more (just hired someone to clean once a week!!). And getting weekly massages to compensate for not enough touch.
The amazing piece of growth is that although it took 3 years for me to fearfully and broken-heartedly leave the relationship I was in, the one this summer burned through in two months. And the client is gone- it was so powerful to release her from her contract- and find myself FINE without the money I was compromising myself for ).
And now there’s a new, tender space for something else.
In this blog I’m fond of being as transparent as I possible can for you, because I think that as we create lives we love living, it’s just as important to show the snotty-tear-filled-places of agonizing growth as it is to share the moments of success.
So I’m sharing my personal dating profile with you. I’m sharing it because it’s a really good example of how I’ve gotten clear about exactly what I want, and what I don’t- and if you’ve ever worked with me you know about my common-yet-powerful homework assignment of The Want Ad- this is based on both the belief that if we’re clear about what we want it’s SO much easier to get it — AND several failed, awful first dates
See my online dating profile below. I can’t believe I’m sharing it with you!
MY SELF-SUMMARYNative New Yorker who moved to Portland, ME this July. I own my own business, which I love, and try to take a healthy amount of time off work. Love rescuing dogs, being outdoors, eating good meals, long talks, building community. Have a child, whom I think is a super neat person. We like to travel. I’m super hesitant about this on-line thing, but believe in giving things a shot. I love Portland, Maine, and have been going back and forth a lot for some time now. In an ideal world (and I’m working on it ) I’d live here 8-9 months a year, and on a house boat in the Caribbean the other 3-4 months. About who I’m looking for- because I’m a huge fan of being super-clear about what you want, and DON’T want: Someone financially stable- I am really proud of the fact that I provide for 100% of my daughter and my financial needs with no support, help, or assistance. So if anyone is helping you support yourself, we’re probably not going to have a lot in common. Someone who is generous, caring, and kind- if you’re the kind of person who is snappy or rude to service people, we’re not going to have a lot in common Someone who does what they love, or believes they can- if you hate your work and suffer through it to get a paycheck- you guessed it- we’re not going to have a lot in common Someone who is emotionally and physically single- if you’re living with your ex, dreaming about her, supporting her or JUST left a relationship then we’re not going to be in the same place Chivalry is not dead: if you invite me out, don’t ask me to pay the check Know what you like, and read my profile- I have tattoos. A lot. If that’s a huge turn-off for you don’t ask me out and then decide you’re not attracted to women who wear their art on their bodies I’m surprisingly old-fashioned in dating. I’m looking for a long-term relationship- not a booty call. Only contact me if you’re interested in the same, please. Taking care of my body, mind, and heart is very important to me- looking for someone who prioritizes self-care as well Points for wit, sweetness, a love of dogs, a sense of spirituality in some form, a passion for potato chips, self-care, and the ability to deeply care and look out for someone else. To be continued….